
May 24, 2020 Saturday
Memorial Day weekend
I think of bluebells, bluebells with such radiant purple and pink tinged blue that they seem to glow from within.
That’s the positive thought I hold against the weight of the burdens of taking care of my family on the farm and myself during this pandemic. I allowed the weight of it for a moment this morning, and felt my eyes tearing up.
It’s been two months since I drove to Indiana from Washington, D.C. at the end of March. At the urging of the writer friend who got me into the Johns Hopkins program, Sue Eisenfeld, and my co-worker, Kathy Symons, I have started to do this “diary” of my time on the farm. That has helped relieve the despair about not writing somewhat. But this is not the book.
Yesterday was a bad day taking Uncle Gene out to the back 40 [acres] supposedly to see the ginseng patch. He had said he couldn’t walk it, and I’d have to take him out in the tractor. It took 45 minutes to get the wagon hooked up to the John Deere and Uncle Gene inside. In the unexpected heat of the day, Uncle Gene got incoherent from heat exhaustion before he had me turn around and come back without seeing anything. We did scare up a wild turkey in the woods along the creek. I almost got stuck in mud in the field, even though I’d gone a long ways around an obvious ditch. We stopped once at the only creek crossing for him to tell me to keep going. We stopped at the end of the fields for him to tell me to turn around and go back. He wasn’t able to say the word “turn-around” and the guttural noises he made trying were chilling. We stopped once more for him to cool off in the shade of a tree. And since noon yesterday, I haven’t gotten anything coherent out of him, like what about that trip was worth risking his life? I asked him, “Did you see what you wanted to see?” And he said, “Yes, you said you wanted to see the back 40.”
There, hopefully with a little more grace, there, with the grace of the goddess, go I one day.
I made dinner last night—scrambled eggs with mustard, onion, garlic, and spinach; fruit salad to clean up the strawberries; and the last of our lovely, fresh asparagus; with apple slices. I had a little help from my younger sister Karen and too much help from mom. Mom is good about thanking people for the effort though. It is what she wants for the hard work she does.
I work hard, too. But the tension between the real, physical world and my creative, imaginative world is unbearable. I am in despair for the dream I had of coming here and working on the book—the perfect place to get away from it all with Janice’s papers here. That intention is in direct contrast to the job I appointed myself to do to protect the elders, a job that gets regularly undermined—by the independence of my parents, which is their strength as well, but sometimes makes coordination hard; and the pride that can make accepting help very hard on the person trying to help.
I’ve been knocking myself out trying to be everything to everyone, trying to get some tip of the iceberg things done in a sea of need. I’ve worn myself out taking my city energy and city efficiency and throwing it up against a brick wall.
My sojourn in the country is stressed and tense from pushing too hard against the slow movement here, trying to get it to go, trying to get things done. It’s not only “country time,” but the pace of my 90+-year-old parents, which I don’t have sufficient patience for. Tasks won’t always get done for me pushing (well, sometimes). They mostly get done at their own pace. And it’s better that way. Natural pace for the environment. Pace at which my parents are able to stay balanced in their own ways; and the control that is survival to them and necessary for them to maintain. I understand all this. But it’s hard not to step on toes—everyone’s, and we end up annoyed with each other—except for our euchre card games after dinner, which generally breaks through all that. It is a happy time for joking and laughing with each other. Thank the goddess for that! I have to slow myself down to a more centered place and watch some things go by without interfering. Settling in to the rhythms. But I can understand where city folk say the country drives them crazy.
There have also been some lovely family moments—making rhubarb pie from the garden with Mom and working on fixing the Allis-Chalmers tractor with Dad. I recognize the preciousness of this time with my aging parents. Stunning, really, that I can still have this time, that they’re doing so well.
Karen and I are doing the grocery shopping wearing masks we made. I have the household down to once every week or 10 days. Mom is sympathetic with taking precautions. The family was taking temperatures every day when I arrived. We are still giving non-perishable groceries time out on the porch before unpacking, and Mom and Dad wash hands after handling the bags. But we’re relaxing that as some studies imply transmission of the coronavirus on surfaces is rare. We’ve definitely stopped wiping everything down as it comes in. We never went as far as worrying about the mail. But the safety of the group is only as good as the weakest link. The family was upset when Uncle Gene went in to get his hair cut (plus two other errands) last Monday when Indiana first opened up. Dad said he thought that would be the most dangerous place to go. I’ve never seen Dad’s hair so long!
The physical demands, distractions, tension, and anxiety of the physical world separate me from that quiet, calm time that produces the deep writing that the book requires. This surface writing—writing down the impressions and descriptions of the day—is a different kind of writing, a raw capture. But still, it’s writing.
Trying to process all the COVID news/data/information that I am bombarded with here (with the television on all the time) seems to take up a lot of my brain power. It is emotionally exhausting—these power struggles, political wars, and death. Just a note: Yes, you have civil rights. Yes, there is the Bill of Rights. The Bill of Rights includes Freedom of Speech, something we protect with might. But all rights have limitations and responsibilities. Calling “fire” in a crowd is free speech that is not protected. You have the right of assembly, but not during a pandemic. Public health and safety can be a limitation on those rights. Most people understand this. This is Civics 101, how to be a good citizen of your society. How come no one is talking about good citizenship?
And trying to stay calm confronting things like my mom losing half her ear with basal cell surgery and Dad’s edema purpling his feet with broken veins and opening sores on his legs takes its toll. I lose it plenty, though, emotionally, sometimes getting angry or impatient.
I can keep myself busy, but I feel the weight as the world I know crumbles. There’s plenty to hang on to in my world—my family (after all these years) is strong, the farm, my work at NASA (slowed down but not gone by any means), and friends. But a lot is going away or transforming—many big unknowns.
I keep thinking of that quote about being in a dance with the danger that confronts you. Bringing a spirit of play and curiosity to the pandemic is actually helpful, but difficult to sustain. There are opportunities here for positive change (and I’m not talking about opportunities to take advantage of the vulnerable like big companies taking over vulnerable little companies). I’m talking about creating the new. But that is not (yet) something I’ve been engaged in. Maybe at my alma mater. Maybe in the Writing Program at Johns Hopkins.
Two months ago, March, when the world shut down, seems a world away at this point. And so here we are, Memorial Day 2020. And all I can think about is the memory of all the people who have died from the virus so far–alone in a hospital bed, isolated, on ventilators, not being able to breathe–a horrible death. Memorialize them. It’s important to take a moment to write it down and memorialize this moment in this strange time out of time.